Sad little blogger

Don't you just hate it when people don't blog for a few days? LOL. Yes, I'm a pitiful little blogger as of late. Just ran out of stuff to say. Been in a quiet place.

I don't know what is going on with me. I feel very isolated and alone. I'm not sure why though. Sure, I'm depressed--who isn't. But it's more than that. Usually I want D to spend tons of time with me when he gets home. Lately, I would almost rather be alone. I keep encouraging him to go play his gaming system while I sit on the couch with a cocktail. He even worked late this evening and didn't call to let me know until he was walking out the door (usually a huge prob for me) and I didn't care. I honestly didn't. You would think the good news about his T going up would have put me over the moon, but it didn't. Maybe a phase. Maybe I don't want to get my hopes up. Have I been in darkness so long that I no longer know how to live in the light? Scary thought.

Crocheting. OK. So I have given crochet another go and I actually completed a granny square! I'm making a blanket. The colors in the scan look really funky. They are actually really bright colors of fuchsia, yellow and green.

I'm still looking forward to learning to knit, but I like that I've started something. I will confess that it took me forever to complete that square. So many stitches to remember--DC, SC, popcorn, sp(s), ch 1 and on and on and on. I think I'll make all (or maybe half) the middles first and then the next step and so on. Do it in stages. Anyone know why that would be a bad idea? Really...I'm seriously asking here :)

I attempted to make an appointment with the IF hospital D's urologist works with. I'm ready to get this testing underway...again. I haven't had a pap or even a physical in so long. Two years+ maybe. I say attempted to make an appointment because the scheduler wasn't in and didn't call me back. Grrrrr.

Weekend

I went to see what I refer to as my "fat doctor" on Saturday. I've been on weight loss pills off and on for the last 7 years or so. When I need them, I go visit the doc. It has been really helpful at times and at others not so much. It depends on how committed I am. Although I don't at all feel very good about needing them, I do feel good about taking steps to help myself. IF is enough to deal with. A negative self image is just not good.

D and I did some yard work yesterday too. I planted sunflower seeds. Last year we planted some and they were just beautiful. Top heavy though!

Drinking and coffee. At the end of each cycle when the witch shows up, I always question myself and what I could have possibly done wrong. I drink coffee everyday. One cup in the morning. I also indulge in wine...a lot. I mean, I have had times when I was completely off both for the sake of TTC, but I haven't put any limitations on myself lately. Does it really hurt? I'm pretty sure it's not helping anything, but do I need to stop? I read a study that found women who drank wine moderately got pregnant faster than those who did not:

Researchers discovered that wine drinkers had a nearly 30 percent greater chance than nondrinkers of getting pregnant within one year of trying.

So what does this mean? Basically, I think I'm feeling guilty. But isn't parenthood a lifetime of guilt? You know...should have done this better...should have handled that better. So why not get practice in now :) Of course I'm making excuses.

Hearing about twins. Is it just me or whenever you hear about someone having twins you think must have been IVF?? I takes everything in me not to ask. Constantly looking for kinship in this hellish struggle. But I never ask.

Friends expecting. I think it must be so hard on those who have a barrage coworkers, relatives and friends expecting while suffering from IF. I read blogs saying that it is so difficult getting these lovely announcements and shower invites and being surrounded by pregnant women--and I know that it has to be. Since we started trying in 2004 there have been 3 couples in D's family that have had a baby. Two that tried for many years and 1 other that I don't know very well. I have a friend from college that is due in July, but again they have been trying for about 4.5 years. I know her shower is coming up (asked for my address other day) and I'm not sure I can handle it. But I think that about most things and I somehow make it through.

I can't sleep

My husband is snoring. Another side effect of the meds is that he seems to sleep really well/hard. Which mean that he snores. I now sleep with ear plugs.

D and I have taken several classes together. Hand dancing, tae bo and swimming. Wow. I had forgotten about those. Still Trying mentioned taking a cooking class yesterday and it made me remember other classes I've taken. I think it's definitely time for another class. Problem is I bore easily and all the classes we've taken have been 6-8 week courses meeting 1-3 times a week. I haven't thought about doing something non-baby related and fun in so long--just the mere concept makes me smile. I mean sure, we do stuff--dinner, movies, etc. But there's always this doom cloud hanging over us as though we're only doing it to keep our minds off the lack of baby. Living life fully with the IF issues in the background would be nice. Hmmm....

It's crazy that I actually studied, at length, writing in college. I'm so out of practice! So please forgive my mistakes. I'll get back into the habit and be a bit less scattered the more I do it I suppose. But if not--who cares really?...lol Just me probably. Worrying about things I need not.

I started this post at 3am and then I went to bed and now I'm back. My monitor finally asked for a stick this morning. cd9. I got a medium fertility reading. I'm surprised it wasn't low. Only the 2nd month using it--so, we'll see how it goes. Last month I was a wreck thinking I would never ovulate b/c it happened so late. But it did happen.

Trying to find inspiration

My pineapple upside down cheesecake turned out not so great. I'd take a pic and post it--but I'm embarrassed! LOL! It kinda tasks like banana creme pie and I have no idea why or how. D (hubby) likes it, but me...not so much. I'll try again one day.

I wish I could find the cheese on 3 brothers pizza. It's my fav. Last night we tried a new pizza crust and cheese baked in the oven on a pizza stone. I, of course, wasn't crazy about it. I'm hard on myself. I've tried all kinds of cheeses on my pizzas at home, but I haven't found the perfect one yet. I do like bufala mozzarella best so far. Just hard to get it.

As I find more IF blogs daily, I'm seeing 2004 as the year it all began for lots of people. Or maybe since that's the year I started I'm just noticing it a lot. I also am feeling a little behind the eight ball. It seems like so many have moved on into IFV or at least IUI. We've done neither. After all the testing I was so tired. I remember a friend saying to me "if I were you I would get moving on IVF." The thought of IVF has been such a difficult one for me and I've thought long and hard about what that means. If I really want a baby that badly--why not just jump in full force? It just seems so overwhelming and if after all that it didn't work--I don't know if I could cope with life. IF alone has been such a great blow. Hurdle. One I still haven't overcome. My soul is tired.

I need a new hobby. Which is why I had decided to give knitting a try again. I do know how to crochet. Maybe I should go back to that if I can remember how to. I'm very crafty. I make all kinds of stuff. Well, I used to anyway. I'm no longer inspired unless I have a request. My mom wants a satin pillowcase for Mother's Day. I made her one several years ago and now she wants another in a different color. It's funny b/c I think about all the things I've made and I look around and see examples of my work and I wonder 'how the hell did I do that?'

Results

Hubby got an email from the urologist today and it's good news. The Arimidex seems to be working for hubby. His estrogen is now undetectable and his T is going up "nicely." Of course I want numbers, but hubby didn't get any. At the 3 month mark he'll be tested for count and T again. Who-hooooo.

I love Jon & Kate plus 8. The kids are adorable and I'm addicted. I watched the 2-newest episodes last night. On my TIVO list.

Ok, so hubby and I can feel excited every now and then and even hopeful, over the last couple years we've been trying to come up with baby names. We've had a boy name for a while and couldn't think of a girl name. We finally have it: Marielle Josephine. And for a boy: Taylor Noah. I love these names :) It's funny that I always thought I would have 3 girls and I had their names picked out a longgggg time ago. Since IF, so much has changed and I'm not so attached to things like I used to be. Life happens and plans must adjust.

Ughhhh...again

I live in the MD/DC/VA area. For those of you not familiar and wondering how I can list 3-states as an area--we live in MD, my hubby works daily in VA and I'm in DC weekly for various reasons. We're in an area where they are all easily accessible. With what happened yesterday at VA tech, living in this area and seeing faces of local people is so hard. I just can't do it. I'm avoiding the news. Which is something I usually do anyway. So much sadness. My prayers go out to all the families, friends and victims.

---------------------------------------------------------

My cat is making me nuts. He has a routine of waking and wanting to go into the shower to wash up after my hubby has showered. He also likes to lick (yuck) the shower water! I'm trying to figure out a better way cuz it bugs me that he licks the shower water. But if I don't let him, he dips his paws into the drinking bowl he shares with the dog. Which causes the dog to have to drink kitty litter water. Can't be good. Suggestions anyone?

Background info
Whenever I find a new infertility (IF) blog I like to read the summary or start with the 1st months postings to find out what the IF background story is. I'll probably make this a sidebar summary eventually when I figure it out. Although I've had this blog for a while, I haven't felt like writing in it until now. So here goes...

Hubbs and I married in March 2004. I had been on BCP for almost 10 years and stopped taking them in May 2004. Almost immediately I felt like something was off. I went to see my GYN and she sent me for a vaginal US which showed 2-very, very small fibroids. My doc said it was nothing and the pinches and pain/fullness I was feeling couldn't be from the fibroids. I disagreed and that was the last time I saw her. The fibroids totally freaked me out. My mom had a big fibroid problem when I was younger and ended up having a hysterectomy. Total panic and obsession. I read everything I could on infertility and fertility. I started charting and temping and joined message boards and made cyber-friends. I bought books and all kinds of herbs. I learned that an RE was an IF specialist and I looked for one in my area. He ordered blood tests to check my hormone levels and an HSG to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. After months of being on the herbs--my fibroids actually disappeared. I seriously think this stuff is a miracle in a bottle. Balanced out my system and even got rid of my cramps!

Anyway, my tests were normal. So hubbs and I met with the RE and he ordered a semen analysis (SA). Wham! There's the problem. Count was 300,000 post wash. Motility was good and morphology couldn't be determined b/c of the low count. I become obsessed with getting his numbers up. Again, here I go with the reading and the posting and the vitamins. He had another SA in three months and it was the same. Vitamins hadn't helped a lick.

At this point I'm totally educated thanks to Internet U, and I think he must have a varicocele. So off we go to the urologist. Nope. Damn. I also found a message board for male IF and I learned about hypogonadism and pituitary tumors and hubby has an MRI. No problem there. Doc tests his hormones and determines his testosterone is very low--201--and he wants to put him on testosterone. Thanks to my stellar education from Net U, I know this would do the exact opposite of what we want. I suggest that the doc look into to some Net U courses for himself and that's the last time we see him. I find another urologist who is suppose to be a fertility expert. Well she orders more blood tests, and as we already know, hubbs has low T. Are you ready for this one--she says she thinks he has sleep apnea and that it's what could be causing his low T and count. Ummmm...thanks, but no.

By now we're 2-years into this and totally deflated and tired. We stop vitamins and herbs and I just basically give up. But not really though b/c I'm still hoping for a miracle each and every month. After temping and charting and examining cervical mucus for so long, it's hard to ignore--even when you stop. Every month gets harder and the tears keep coming. I find ways to blame myself and wonder did it not work this month because I had too much wine or didn't stay in bed long enough after or exercised or was too stressed. Hubbs has no idea how much I torture myself even though I know the odds all too well. Thanks again to Internet U.

Hubbs decided last year to start going to the gym after being rushed to the hospital for a panic attack. He thought he was having a heart attack. In February of this year--I don't know why, but I decided to start looking for a fertility urologist again and I found one and really easily this time. I made an appointment and off we went. More blood work and another SA. The SA comes back with numbers that we and the doc couldn't believe. 25 million total and 14 million per mil. Wow! All because of the gym we suspect. The morphology is not good though with only 1% normal forms and 77% with heads too small. Insert-->obsession<--here. Vitamins and Arimidex are the solution we all hope and pray.

So here we are today. Hubby has been on the meds and vitamins for over a month. He loves the way he feels. Says he feels like he has so much more energy and doesn't have tons of anxiety anymore. No real sides effects--except tons of gas...lol We feel somewhat hopeful. Hubby feels a lot more than me. I have found other bloggers with hubby's on the meds too, but no one has said "oh yeah, it worked for us" yet.

I'm now worried about was is going on with me too. Spotting before my period is not a good sign. I'n not sure about endometriosis and I've never had a lap. I stopped my testing after the HSG. I'm taking my herbs again--although not consistently and I guess I need to go to see a doc again soon. Been a while.

Enough for now. Please leave me message if you stop by :)

*UPDATE*
The meds didn't change his semen analysis results, but they did bring his T back to a normal level. I had a sonohystogram and all is normal.

Ughhh...waffle

I like the term waffle. Used by people in the UK a lot to describe when someone is rambling. I waffle often. And I've got lots swimming around in my head today.

Hubby and I went to his cousins house yesterday. He and his wife just had a baby about 9-weeks ago. They too had IF issues and also had 2 miscarriages--one at 7 months. I think I go over there to get a baby-fix. It's like me watching those damn TLC shows. It seems a little nutty to me.

Since hubbys count was looking so much better and we're actually seeing some progress, we got a fertility monitor last cycle. Umm...why did I not ovulate until day 22 or so. WTF? I can't even describe the shock. And the guilt b/c how long have I been o'ing this late?? Here I am thinking seeing EWCM means O within the next day or so. More like a week later. I feel like an idiot. But what can I do...next.

The Internet is great. Really I love it. What would I do without it. So my latest obsession is morphology. I'm so worried that his count will go up, but the morh will still be 1%. Of course I have him on every vitamin known to help since he started the Arimidex. I'm really hoping it helps. But of course, I can't stop searching. Looking for others. Looking for advice. Looking for a miracle.

When I met my husband, cooking became my new hobby. I'm an allrecipes freak and I love getting recipes for my fav restaurant dishes. Olive Garden actually posts the recipe for their fonduta on their site and it really does taste just like the restaurant. Mine at this point I think is even better. I also love the salad, so I buy the dressing from the restaurant and get these Rothbury Farm croutons from Giant. I must have tried every croton known before finding this gem. Love it! So, my latest is the pineapple-upside-down cheesecake from cheesecake factory. I have got to duplicate this recipe. Maybe today. I make desserts and send them to work with my hubby so I won't eat them all.

cd 5

I can't knit

At least I can't learn from a video. Little over a year ago I got this learn to knit dvd kit from Target on clearance for 4.98. Great deal, right? I think I can only learn from seeing in person. I'm sure others are like this...I hope. I swear, sometimes I think I have some sort of...problem. Really. I have a issue with left and right--seriously anyone who knows me well knows this about me. Never tell me in a car to do left or right. Especially quickly. I'm so likely to go the wrong way cuz I guess have to guess in a pinch. I have to make the L with my hand. However, my recent theory on this is it's because I'm ambidextrous (really, I am). I think most people learn the hand they write with or do things with first. I feel like I'm rambling. Point is--I can't learn this and it's getting on my nerves. The cocktail probably isn't helping.

Spotting troubles. Silly tv shows.

Spotting is not fun. Spotting for days is not fun. Not that anyone ever said it was or is, but it still needs to be said. Negative pregnancy tests are no joy either. What is this? A getting older and too fat change of life or what??

Anyway...a new show called belly something premiered last night. A young couple stumbles upon pregnancy. Yeah, that happens. All the time. Especially for those of us that really want to be parents and long for years. Maybe I'm just bitter. Well, no maybe about that one. Will I watch this show? I dunno. Every month I watch baby story and bringing home baby and house of babies (except recent ones with tooooo many reruns). So I make myself suffer with these shows. They don't make me sad until the end of my cycle. Until then I'm filled with tons of hope.

I'm so filled with worry all the time it makes me want to run away. Where to? Problems follow. Clean slate sounds so appealing.

Hubby went to the doc today to have blood taken. He's been on Arimidex for 5-weeks now. Hopefully his T is up and his count is too. Only testing for T now. Count tested in about 7-weeks.

We got a new king size bed. I keep looking over to the middle and seeing a little face there under a soft blanket looking back at me.

Another month bites the dust...

So we're not pregnant this month either. I watched Fried Green Tomatoes over the weekend. Bates' character says she looked in a mirror and didn't like what she saw--so she changed. I need to stop looking in the mirror and just make the change(s). Good grief. 60lbs. is not cute to have put on since your wedding. I don't care how depressed you are.

Internet addicted

More like blog addicted. Why must I constantly look and see if anyone has updated? I need a life. I called my husband and told him I was bored and lonely. He offered to stay home and not go to the gym this evening. But I told him to go ahead to the gym. He's doing it for us and I want to support him. I just want to eat all the time. Eat jellybeans and potato chips. I have less than 2-months to lose weight before our trip to St. Maarten. I got to lose as much as I can so I'm not completely miserable. I need some more happy pills. They should help.

I'm going to try...

To make a post everyday. Even if it's a small one. You would never guess I was a journalism major in college. I hate writing.

My Story

Our Wedding Day 2004

The Story
Whenever I find a new infertility (IF) blog, I like to read the summary or start with the 1st months postings to find out what the IF background story is. Here's my story.

Hubbs and I married in March 2004. I had been on BCP for almost 10 years and stopped taking them in May 2004. Almost immediately I felt like something was off. I went to see my GYN and she sent me for a vaginal US which showed 2-very, very small fibroids. My doc said it was nothing and the pinches and pain/fullness I was feeling couldn't be from the fibroids. I disagreed and that was the last time I saw her. The fibroids totally freaked me out. My mom had a big fibroid problem when I was younger and ended up having a hysterectomy. INSERT total panic and obsession--->here<---. I read everything I could on infertility and fertility. I started charting and temping and joined message boards and made cyber-friends. I bought books and all kinds of herbs. I learned that an RE was an IF specialist and I looked for one in my area. He ordered blood tests to check my hormone levels and an HSG to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. After months of being on the herbs--my fibroids actually disappeared. I seriously think this stuff is a miracle in a bottle. Balanced out my system and even got rid of my cramps!

Anyway, my tests were normal so hubbs and I met with the RE and he ordered a semen analysis (SA). Wham! There's the problem. Count was 300,000 post wash. Motility was good and morphology couldn't be determined b/c of the low count. I become obsessed with getting his numbers up. Again, here I go with the reading and the posting and the vitamins and evening testicle icing. He had another SA in three months and it was the same. Vitamins hadn't helped a lick.

At this point I'm totally educated thanks to Internet U, and I think he must have a varicocele. So off we go to the urologist. Nope. Damn. I also found a message board for male IF and I learned about hypogonadism and pituitary tumors and hubby has an MRI. No problem there. Doc tests his hormones and determines his testosterone is very low--201--and he wants to put him on testosterone. Thanks to my stellar education from Net U, I know this would do the exact opposite of what we want. I suggest that the doc look into to some Net U courses for himself and that's the last time we see him. I find another urologist (#2) who is suppose to be a fertility expert. Well she orders more blood tests, and as we already know, hubbs has low T. Are you ready for this one--she says she thinks he has sleep apnea and that it's what could be causing his low T and count. Ummmm...thanks, but no.

By now we're 2-years into this and totally deflated and tired and fighting all the time. We stop vitamins and herbs and I just basically give up. But not really though b/c I'm still hoping for a miracle each and every month. After temping and charting and examining cervical mucus for so long, it's hard to ignore--even when you stop actively trying. Every month gets harder and the tears keep coming. I find ways to blame myself and wonder did it not work this month because I had too much wine or didn't stay in bed long enough after or exercised or was too stressed. Hubbs had no idea how much I torture myself even though I knew the odds all too well. Thanks again to Internet U.

Hubbs decided in September 2006 to start going to the gym after being rushed to the hospital for a panic attack. He thought he was having a heart attack. In February of 2007--I don't know why, but I decided to start looking for a fertility urologist (#3) again and I found one and really easily this time. I made an appointment and off we went. More blood work and another SA. The SA comes back with numbers that we and the doc couldn't believe. 25 million total and 14 million per mil. Wow! All because of the gym we suspect. The morphology is not good though with only 1% normal forms and 77% with heads too small. Insert-->obsession<--here...again. Vitamins and Arimidex are the solution we all hope and pray.

I have found other bloggers with hubby's on the meds too, but no one has said "oh yeah, it worked for us."

The meds didn't change his semen analysis results, but they did bring his T back to a normal level. I had a sonohystogram and all is normal.

Right now I don't know what to do next. Our options are IVF, adoption or a miracle. Morphology is the toughest of the three (count, motility and morph) to improve--but really is the most important. If you don't have normally formed sperm, you're screwed. Even with IVF and ICSI. So here we are. I have a wealth of knowledge on Male Infertility and I'm a pro at interpreting semen analysis results. If you have a question, leave me a comment or email me. I'm happy to help!

Hawaii 2008