Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Traveling DVD: Oprah and Jenna

Friday night I was really excited to reach into my mailbox and pull out The Traveling DVD. Popped it in Saturday morning and sat down with a notepad.

I immediately related to Jenna as her voice began to shake describing her dream of having 3 children some day. I too had that dream once-upon-a-time. Jenna described exactly what infertility does to you--the daily reminders, the feelings of being stuck and the shame. At the end of the segment, Oprah shook her hand and said "the best to you." Not I hope you get your baby or I wish you success in your treatment, but, "the best to you." At the end of the show, some of the women got a chance to say what they've learned in their 30s. The 37-year-old doctor said she was no longer "looking for a man to complete my life." Oprah responded by saying "good, that's the space to be in." I could almost feel the spotlight of her words directed to Jenna and Mike.

The "After the Show" portion was basically the entire room trying to convince Jenna that she needed to let go and let God bring her the miracle that is waiting. Which Oprah did say may or may not be a baby. Perhaps the Presidency of the United States or a million dollars is awaiting her. I don't know.

I really could go on and on about what was said, but this is what it boils down to--Jenna and Mike are not parents because it's not God's plan, and if there is a baby out there hovering around in the universe--it hasn't come yet because they are blocking their blessings by holding on to their dream. So any way you look at it--it's their fault. "The thing that's suppose to happen hasn't happened yet" Oprah said. Jenna is too busy designing her life. All of this was said right after Jenna was told she should not feel shame.

OK. I get it. I get that having faith is how people "make peace with it." Once you believe that "someone is pulling the strings" and has a master plan for you, you're able to make peace. I envy the faithful and struggle with my own. I wish I could look at children suffering and feel like there is a reason for it. I wish I could look at (Warning: graphic) children in Africa that have lost limbs and their parents over diamonds and feel like there's a reason for it. The Leadership Academy that has been built for girls by Oprah is probably going to save lives, but am I to believe that children have been made to suffer so that Oprah could grow up, get rich and open the school to find her purpose in life? I'm not minimizing what's she's done because it's absolutely incredible and may be more than I'll ever do, but I'm wondering what happens to the prayers of those that suffer? What happens to the prayers of those that DO let go and let God that end up suffering more? How can I feel so blessed while others suffer right before me?

People love a success story. I love a success story. We all love to hear about those that never gave up and pushed on in the face of tremendous obstacles to be rewarded in the end. We cheer for those people. We tell their stories to others and they get to be guests on Oprah. But what about the failures? What about those that fought just as hard or harder but still failed? You never hear about them. We don't praise them. What we do is tell them to "let it go" or tell them they just didn't work hard enough or want it enough. Blame again. Oprah told her "Color Purple story" of how she "surrendered" her dream to play the role of Sophia and minutes later found out she got the part. Where are the stories of surrender that didn't yield a miracle? I think these stories are told but usually with a it-didn't-happen-because-it-was-in-the-plan-and-things-are-much-better-now ending. It was said by one woman in the Today show segment. She adopted 2-children from Russia and said "this is why all my treatments failed."

Maybe making peace with it or surrendering means that you become OK with not getting what you wanted so badly. To me, that sounds like giving up re-gifted in pretty wrapping paper. When you feel like you've done all you can and you can't fight anymore--you give up. Most of us have a breaking point. A point we reach when we just can't take it anymore. In the infertility blogging community I'm sure we all know someone who has decided to live child-free because they just couldn't take this hell anymore. There's nothing wrong with that. You get there when and if you get there. Maybe Oprah should have given up on getting the film role when she was told by Steven Spielberg that Alfre Woodard had the part, but she didn't give up. You get there when and if you get there.

In the end it's a good thing there was the show last week and this show. Infertility Awareness is so important and the more it's talked about the more people feel less alone. Oprah is not a saint or a god and she is not perfect. None of us are perfect. She's a person just like the rest of us and she's entitled to her own opinions and views. I'm not going to look to Oprah to identify with my infertility struggle or to validate my feelings. She hasn't the slightest idea what this is like. And for me, that's OK.

If there is a master plan, everything we're doing now must be a part of it. We are all exactly where we should be--doing exactly what we should be doing. I'm at peace with that.


Blogger Fertilize Me said...

THank you for sharing this with me

6:43 PM  
Blogger SaraS-P said...

Just like I don't read books that Oprah picks out for me, I also don't look to Oprah for validation of my lifestyle.

10:01 PM  
Blogger JJ said...

I love the master-plan outlook...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Lea Bee said...

i'm not sure what i think about the whole 'master plan' thing. if having kids arms ripped off is part of the master plan, then color me confused.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Foreverhopeful said...

I'm struggling with the whole master plan and letting it go to God. I really tried and it never worked for me so I struggle with God's existence every day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

1:49 PM  
Blogger JMom said...

I am an infertile woman, who had triplets as a result of IUI. They are now 4 years old.

I am a blogger, but found yours as a result of a google search because I wanted to read more about Jenna after watching her episode on Tivo tonight.

I am a practicing Christian and I believe God used the journey of infertility (even with all its excruciating pain) to teach me a lot.

I realize it is 'easy for me to say' now that I have mine...but I do remember the shame Jenna spoke of and the pain. I am not making light of that AT ALL. I do not want to go back to that place--but in retrospect see that it strengthened me and brought me closer to God.

8:48 PM  

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