Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Sunday, April 22, 2007


I went to see what I refer to as my "fat doctor" on Saturday. I've been on weight loss pills off and on for the last 7 years or so. When I need them, I go visit the doc. It has been really helpful at times and at others not so much. It depends on how committed I am. Although I don't at all feel very good about needing them, I do feel good about taking steps to help myself. IF is enough to deal with. A negative self image is just not good.

D and I did some yard work yesterday too. I planted sunflower seeds. Last year we planted some and they were just beautiful. Top heavy though!

Drinking and coffee. At the end of each cycle when the witch shows up, I always question myself and what I could have possibly done wrong. I drink coffee everyday. One cup in the morning. I also indulge in wine...a lot. I mean, I have had times when I was completely off both for the sake of TTC, but I haven't put any limitations on myself lately. Does it really hurt? I'm pretty sure it's not helping anything, but do I need to stop? I read a study that found women who drank wine moderately got pregnant faster than those who did not:
Researchers discovered that wine drinkers had a nearly 30 percent greater chance than nondrinkers of getting pregnant within one year of trying.
So what does this mean? Basically, I think I'm feeling guilty. But isn't parenthood a lifetime of guilt? You know...should have done this better...should have handled that better. So why not get practice in now :) Of course I'm making excuses.

Hearing about twins. Is it just me or whenever you hear about someone having twins you think must have been IVF?? I takes everything in me not to ask. Constantly looking for kinship in this hellish struggle. But I never ask.

Friends expecting. I think it must be so hard on those who have a barrage coworkers, relatives and friends expecting while suffering from IF. I read blogs saying that it is so difficult getting these lovely announcements and shower invites and being surrounded by pregnant women--and I know that it has to be. Since we started trying in 2004 there have been 3 couples in D's family that have had a baby. Two that tried for many years and 1 other that I don't know very well. I have a friend from college that is due in July, but again they have been trying for about 4.5 years. I know her shower is coming up (asked for my address other day) and I'm not sure I can handle it. But I think that about most things and I somehow make it through.


Blogger hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

I know what you mean about feeling guilty for not eating/drinking right. Everytime I have something caffeinated I feel like I am sabotaging my fertility. I have to remind myself of all the "normal" people who get pregnant even though they drink coffee all day long or conceive while drunk. I think by trying to eliminate these "bad" things it is a way to feel like we might have some control over our fertility. I cut oput caffeine for about a year before I said "f' this. This is not the problem". Unfortunately I don't think we have much control and we end up feeling deprived or guilty.

Can I add your blog to my list of links?

11:07 PM  
Blogger dmarie said...

Hopeful--that's exactly what I do---think of all those people drinking coffee and boozing and still managing to get pregnant once a year if they simply chose too. You are right about the control part. And even the need to blame myself gives me a feeling of 'I had control' over the situation.

Of course you can add me :) I think you may be the first to do so--thx! may I add you as well?

11:23 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Good for you for doing something to help yourself feel better! And I hope your yard winds up filled with beautiful sunflowers that make you smile whenever you look at them. Sunflowers are one of my favorite flowers, but I've never tried planting them.

When I comes to baby showers, I have a hard and fast rule: The next baby shower I am going to will be my own. Maybe that sounds selfish - heck, maybe that is selfish - but baby showers are painful. Infertility/IVF/all this crap is painful enough as it is, and I don't usually feel the need to force myself to endure any more pain than I already have to deal with. I hope you can give yourself permission to not go if you don't feel up to it, and that you can feel guilt-free about it.

1:24 AM  
Blogger dmarie said...

Hi Rebecca!
You should plant some seeds then :) It was totally the easiest thing we've ever planted. Just 1" in the ground and leave them there. Very low maintenance. We got the seeds from Home Depot.

I like your shower rule :)

11:22 AM  
Blogger Carrie said...

I know this one! No caffeine, alcohol, saturated fats or hot baths for what feels like ever. How much good does it do? Well I can't see a baby!
In fact it's a wonder there are any children on the planet at all if some of the books I've read are anything to go by.
A little bit of what you fancy will do you no harm. That's my standpoint these days ( well after detox!)

2:12 PM  
Blogger Foreverhopeful said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I know its hard not to blame yourself and feel like you aren't doing enough for your fertility. But like the other's said, we have no control over this and sometimes we can do all the right things, and things just don't change. So be good to yourself. I'm the same way as rebecca. I haven't been to a shower since the end of 2004 and I've given myself the permission not to go and not to feel guilty about it. Anything I know has the ability to hurt me, I've protected myself from. Just do what you feel comfortable with and someone once told me some great advice. They would like you to be there but they don't need you to be there. They will be fine and will understand. Big hugs to you.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Darbs said...

You will ALWAYS make it through! I've never known you not to...and you know I'm here...hopin', wishin' and prayin'! You KNOW I'm just itchin' to go baby clothes shoppin' - this Auntie is gonna make sure her NIECE is always FLY (did you catch that?)!

And we'll celebrate with J together...I'll be your rock on that day :)

Love you more than life itself!

7:06 PM  
Blogger hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

Please do add me to your list. I'm new to this so I'm looking for all the support I can get. Plus, we chose the same background for our blogs :)

8:40 PM  
Blogger Bumble said...

Yes yes yes... The twin thing. Its the FIRST thing I want to ask. But of course I don't. But I want to. But I don't. But I want to....

12:39 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh, I love sunflowers. I'm jealous. I've got a container garden/itty bitty perennial garden at our townhome and even tried a miniature sunflower, but no luck. As soon as I get a sunny yard, I'm so planting sunflowers.

So far, I've avoided baby showers and definitely don't think you should feel guilty for not going. All this is hard enough without adding in a baby shower.

I came so close to asking a random woman in the grocery store if her triplets were from IVF. I know they must have been, but I restrained myself, barely.


7:48 PM  

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