Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Sunday, May 06, 2007


Since I started blogging, I've noticed that I often think of something I want to blog about but when I get here I can't remember. I now try to write a little note to myself. Here are my notes:

RE waiting room. When you're in the waiting room don't you look around and want to talk to people? Find out what their story is and share yours? I never talk to anyone, but still, I do wonder.

New testing. I'm feeling a little uneasy now about going through with the HSG again. I was one of those lucky few that didn't have any pain with my first--so it's not that. I just really want to get to the answers. If the fibroids have returned and are getting bigger and causing the pre-AF spotting, why not just do the sonohysterogram to find out or even a vag ultrasound? The only thing I can thing of as a benefit to the HSG is that it sometimes increases chances of conception for a couple months.

Rachel Ray doesn't want kids. In the new issue of People magazine she says she doesn't think she has time for children. I'm the first one to say that not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I look at my father as the perfect example of this. Somehow though, I still wonder is there a sadness in the hearts of the purposely-childless? I suppose if you're extremely busy and your hours turn into years before you know it--you don't notice it so much. I can't ever remember having one single focus in my life. There have always been multiple things at any one time.

No guarantees. As I'm finding more and more IF blogs, I'm constantly reminded that there are no guarantees. Once you decide to move on to IUI/IVF, it doesn't mean at the end you're going to have a child. You may just find yourself in debt, childless and possibly divorced. I think about the business end of IF b/c the thing you hear most about is the expense. $20,000 is nothing to sneeze at. Hell, $6,500 (discount price at my clinic) is nothing to sneeze at. And then there's the meds and toll on a woman's body and the risks--possibly death although extremely rare. No guarantees.

Grandparents dream too. The other night it occurred to me that D and I are not the only ones suffering here. I never really thought about my mom and his parents wondering if they will ever have grandchildren. Of course they have asked and both sides are aware of "problems," but how does that make them feel? When my mom gets pictures of her friends grand kids and hears about yet another pregnancy--does her heart ache wondering when she'll be able to experience that joy? Does she wander down the baby isles at Target too imagining herself buying things to send me? Our child would be the first grandchild on both sides. IF affects not only us, but our parents too. That's a hard thought for me. You never want to be a disappointment.

That's it for randomness. This past weekend we had some people over and I held a 3-month-old. For about 60 seconds. I am seriously uncomfortable holding a baby that gets fussy. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I need to hand the kid back over immediately. I haven't been a mom so I don't know--but if your kid starts fussing, don't you immediately want to take over? I feel like the mom thinks I don't want to hold her baby and I worry that I offend her (has happened every time I've held him) but I just don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll get up and try walking with him next time. I dunno.


Blogger LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

The "no guarantee" part is what gives me nightmares. If someone could just promise me that at the end of all of this (with the end in sight, of course) we would have a baby, I could handle this situation better. But there is so much uncertainty that, even when things look promising as they allegedly do for me now, I just can't relax much. It's the true torture of this entire process.

And, not only do I want to ask people their stories in the RE's waiting room, but anyone I meet who appears to possibly have an IF story - older parents, parents of one child, etc. I have always been nosey but it has just gotten worse. :-)

2:20 PM  
Blogger webmaster said...

Matthew M. F. Miller says:

I totally get you: I often wish people would burst into conversation as if we all lived in a classic musical - sharing makes the world smaller and more manageable.

As for Rachel Ray, perhaps it's best she doesn't have children. Could you even fathom the lungs on that baby??

3:37 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

No guarantee is the worst of all the journey. I think I could cope if I just knew what is going to happen. It's the hopes up, hopes dashed cycle that really gets me. Now moving on to IVF I know those ups and downs will be magnified. That really scares me.

I understand the wishing grandparents too. When we lost our baby I felt I had caused my mum so much pain. I know it wasn't my fault but it hurt to see her hurt. So much so that I've kind of shut her out. Even I can see this isn't a good way to deal with things. Just trying to protect myself I think.

Hope your HSG goes well and no problems arise. The increased fertility window is what to focus on.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

Hope the HSG goes well. Definitely no guarantees...of anything with this IF stuff.

I have occasionally talked to people in the waiting room...most seem unreceptive, though.

6:21 PM  
Blogger ultimatejourney said...

I feel sad about disappointing my parents as well as myself. My mom has always looked forward to being a grandmother, and she currently doesn't have any grandkids. I want her to have them, but I think it might kill me if my sister gets pregnant while I'm still stuck in IF hell.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I heard that it isn't that Rachel Ray doesn't want kids, she can't have them. I am sure it is just easier to say, I don't want them then be asked a million questions.

10:17 PM  

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