Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Weird Balance

Matt posted this week about feeling optimistic when it comes to IF. Feeling like in the end everything will work itself out even if there is no baby at the end of this fucked-up crooked rainbow. Most of my optimism is in a landfill somewhere with about 100*-negative hpts. D tends to be the optimistic one. Most of the time his cheery a-baby-will-fall-from-the-heavens-onto-our-doorstep attitude gets on my nerves. I used to be hopeful, but with hope can come disappointment so I'd rather not be hopeful in the first place.

Sometimes I wish my husband could just go "there" with me. I wish he would wallow a little bit. I know he sometimes tries to keep hope alive in an attempt to make me feel better, but what really ends up happening is I feel worse. Which leaves me feeling so very alone in all of this. I'm trying to understand that people handle stress differently, and perhaps his way of dealing with IF is to remain hopeful. Maybe that's what keeps him sane, and somehow that's a good thing cuz who needs 2-depressed nut jobs living under one roof. I'll bet he feels alone too out there on Optimism Island.

Bottom line--I need to allow for his optimism and he needs to allow me to be hopeless. Balance...I guess.

*Good grief how much $$$ does that add up to???


Blogger Sunny said...

It is very frustrating when you don't have your partner sitting on your end of the seesaw being upset with you. BUT being stuck on the ground at the playground is never fun. The balance is needed. BUT there are times when you don't want to feel and be so alone.


2:01 PM  
Blogger LJ said...

Dollar store HPT has likely saved me hundreds of dollars. I wish that were a joke.

I think our men grieve in different ways than we do. I think they feel an obligation to "keep it together" to take care of us.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Carrie said...

My partner is on a completely different page from me too. Where, and why, do the get the optimism from?

' cheery a-baby-will-fall-from-the-heavens-onto-our-doorstep'
This is exactly my husbands viewpoint too and I can't, for the life of me, see how he manages to hold on to it. It drives me mad too, and yet a part of me wants to believe he is right.

4:25 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Wow, to say that I relate to this post is a giant understatement!!

Additionally, I shudder at the thought of how much $ I've pissed away on useless HPTs. Shit, for that matter, think of how much $ I wasted on BCPs!

3:20 PM  

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