Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pursuit of Happiness

I feel like I've always been a little depressed. My mom was (still is) depressed when I was a child and so was my grandmother. I'm an only child and I lived with both of them for the majority of my childhood until around age 12 or so when my mom bought a house. So there you have it. There has always been a sadness, heaviness. It seems major stressful events send me into that deep dark place. IF has done it. I'm constantly in that place. The hole. I come out at times when I see some hope, but then right back in when those hopes are dashed and I dig a little deeper each time. I sometimes feel so guilty for wanting a child so badly when I feel like I'm such a mess. It's like knowing what's right and running toward wrong. I have hopes that this magic baby will cure me. After all, not being able to have a baby is what has helped send me here. But then logic says what if there is no magic baby cure? What if I'm still depressed but worse? Shouldn't I find happiness now?

Mel posted yesterday about trying to be happy in the meantime. I know that I feel a lot better when I'm actually doing something proactive to get pregnant. More feelings of being in control, I suppose. The things that are in my control, I'm working on--exercising, working more. I wish I felt like I could take some kind of break and dedicate myself to me. But I can't do that. I won't do that. It's gonna have to be a joint project.

Happiness doesn't really feel tangible to me. Neither does sadness. I have things that can change my mood. Music is one of the biggest mood adjusters for me. I can go from feeling like total crap to screaming "C'est la Vie" (by Robbie Nevil) and all seemingly becomes sunshine. Sometimes I feel like a fake. I'll play with D and joke with him, or go out to dinner with new friends and smile and carry-on conversations like I don't have a worry in the world. But let me see a mother, or a story on the news of an abandoned baby and I can produce real tears in less than 10 seconds. Moods are one thing, happiness is another.

If someone asked me what has been the happiest time in my life--I wouldn't have an answer. I've had happy moments. Flashes. Like pictures in my mind. But there are no periods. So how can I get there, or even can I get there? I have no idea really, but I know I won't be happy without children. I'm not going to try and fool myself into thinking I can have this full wonderful child-free life. Is there a way to somehow solve my depression before children? I don't know that either. But I'm still fighting for my chance to be a mother. I have to believe that I deserve to be a mother. I have to believe that for now, it's enough that I'm still in this fight and willing to continue.

Pic from Cute Overload.

Does any of this make sense? I feel like I'm


Blogger Karen said...

I have to believe that I deserve to be a mother. I have to believe that for now, it's enough that I'm still in this fight and willing to continue.

Oh, sweetie, of COURSE you deserve to be a mother! If you didn't, you wouldn't be willing to fight this this fight. You wouldn't go through all of this pain and frustration and stress to get to your goal. It wouldn't be so important to you. You deserve to be a mother. You do. Don't you ever question that!

I don't find it surprising that you feel better when you're doing something proactive to get pregnant. That is the time when you have time to focus on your goal, and not just on the loss that you're feeling. I had a miscarriage last fall and the only thing more horrifying than the loss itself was the three months of sitting around waiting for my betas to drop to nothing so that I could cycle again. It was miserable. I could handle failed cycles, because I could just turn right around and move right into a new active cycle. That was much easier.

Is there a magic baby cure? Probably not. Will it relieve a lot of the loss that you're feeling? In all likelihood, yes. But you'll probably still have lingering feelings of depression, and you'll find ways to work through that for the sake of your family and for the sake of yourself. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty for wanting a child. You absolutely deserve to be a mother. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

2:27 PM  
Blogger Changing Expectations said...

I understand exactly what you are saying. It is hard for me to remember a period of happiness also.

Please believe that you deserve to be a mother. You deserve this happiness. If not, you wouldn't take the road that you have to make this happen.

Happiness will find you. I am sure of it.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Lea Bee said...

i know just what you mean. though i sometimes feel like having a baby won't necessarily make me happy, but it will at least give me the opportunity to experience a different kind of unhappiness, if that makes any sense.

6:17 PM  
Blogger LJ said...

D -

I've been a bit at a loss for words this last week or so, but I am just so glad you wrote this. It really spoke right to my heart - I know these very feelings all too well.


10:13 AM  
Blogger The Town Criers said...

I loved that line: moods are one thing, happiness is another. It's so true--where do moods fit in with all of this?

3:07 PM  
Blogger Foreverhopeful said...

I think we all go through periods like this. IF is so hard especially when our desire to be a mother is so strong. I know I couldn't be happy living a childless life either. It wasn't an option for me so I understand how hard this can be. Its such a hard journey. You deserve to be mother and you deserve to be happy. HUGS to you.

1:38 PM  

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