Bella Vida

Married for 6 years. Trying to have a baby almost as long. Living a Beautiful Life.

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Location: Maryland, United States

Married & Trying to have a baby for almost 4 years. Dealing with MF (male factor infertility).

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

What do you say?


What do you say when someone asks "when are you going to have kids?" I had this happen to me at the post office this morning. D has a cousin that works at the post office. He said hello and then goes on to tell me about his 3rd son just born. I know he's happy and all, and to a "normal" person it probably wouldn't be a big deal, but he was talking to me. And then he goes and does it, "so when are you guys gonna get started?" To which I responded, "well, you know, not everyone can just pop 'em out like biscuits." His face kinda went limp and I could tell he didn't really know what to say. So my question is--what do you say?? How do you respond? Part of the point of Common Thread is to get more of a discussion going about infertility and to take the shame out of discussing it with non-infertiles. But can you do it? And how do you do it?

14 Comments:

Blogger LJ said...

Depends on my mood, my level of comfort with the individual, and the tone of the conversation.

I've recently said, "well it's not as easy as they made it sound in high school..."

2:07 PM  
Blogger Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm with LJ on this and it would depend on my mood and comfort level with the individual, but it usually sounded a lot like your answer.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Nica said...

My husband will always ALWAYS always respond with a long-ish tale about our IF adventures. ALWAYS. (People have recommended REs and loopy treatments to him in response).

I usually just say "we're trying." People just smile wanly and we change the subject...

2:37 PM  
Blogger Trace said...

I wish I had cool answers like everyone else. I'm in the Nica category and just say that we're trying. Most people assume that we are having difficulty because I have MS.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Good question and I like your response. This is a really hard one... as much as I always think I'll say something and want to help make people more aware, I tend to chicken out when it comes down to it and not feel brave enough to put myself out there like that. Although this definitely depends on the person and situation.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

I agree it is situational. It depends on whether or not I know the person or how I feel about them. I give close friends/family the benefit of the doubt where I'd probably tell strangers to watch their step. It also depends on my mood how I handle it.

In a bad mood, I've come right out and said "I'm infertile". I didn't mean to sound nasty but I had just miscarried and didn't want to hear about it.

9:16 PM  
Blogger Changing Expectations said...

I usually ignore it. I know that this sounds weird, but I ignore the question and start talking about something else. People look at me like I am clueless but usually go along with the new conversation.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Chili said...

Totally depends. Sometimes I just brush it off and say "Some day". Sometimes I explain our situation. Same with DH, although he recently added another one: When someone with absolutely no business asking asks, he just tells them to shut up and mind their own business. It's good for a laugh, because the people are usually so shocked.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Foreverhopeful said...

IN the beginning of my IF, I used to say one day and act as though we don't want kids or aren't ready for them yet. But now, I just say hopefully soon and leave it at that. All my close friends/family around me know I have issues now so I don't get the dreaded questions anymore. I liked your answer though.. ! Very bold of you!

12:29 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

I usually said, "well, it's not for lack of trying" which usually embarrassed folks enough to shut them right up. But sometimes if I wanted to take pity on someone, I might just say "when the time is right"

3:31 PM  
Blogger In and Out of Luck said...

I think what I'd LIKE to say is, "Actually, we're infertile. Why do you ask?" But in the moment, I just get tongue-tied.

5:33 PM  
Blogger noswimmers said...

I have to admit I'm usually the sheepish type that says "I dont' know...someday".

What I would LIKE to say is something to the effect of "Well, my husband has no swimmers. We spent $25,000 on IVF treatments last year, now we're trying donor sperm! Thanks for reminding me!"

If it's a guy asking, I'd also like to throw in: "Hey...you're kinda cute...do you know how many sperm you get per ejaculate?"

6:44 PM  
Blogger lub said...

I LOVE your response- biscuits- that'll shut them up. I just had this convo with FJ and he doesn't seem to feel as yucky when he gets this question. I hate it though. I hate it when people talk about their children and if they miss them during the day. Hello- I miss the ones I have never had more than you will know but it would be "awkward" to talk about it. I always say, "we're trying" and then of course I get the story of, "yeah, it took me almost 3 months for my first". Ha yeah- here's a quick kick in the ass for ya.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm liking your response. It's colorful but informative. Without getting too medical you are making it clear that you're trying...

4:59 PM  

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