In denial

I'm on day 7--but shhhhh, my monitor thinks it day 6. I have the orders for bloodwork, but I haven't even considered getting it done. Meaning I haven't made any appointments and I can't even remember where I put that Quest order form thingy. I think I'm in denial. Waiting for D's results to come back all perfect and tell us that we can do it on our own. But really, what's the chance of that? Something like 1 in never.

The painters are finally done and my Shelbie is still on antibiotics until Thursday. We leave on Saturday for St. Maarten. I don't think I've been less excited about a vacation in my life. That sounds so ungrateful. Stress is a bitch ain't it.

Hubby Fails a Quiz

JJ over at Reproductive Jeans had her hubby take a quiz to find out if he knows the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo. I thought it was a great idea and gave it to mine. Here are his answers:

AF – Artificial Fertilization
IVF – I Vill Forget
IUI – Inner-Uterine Interloper
IF – IF i knew it would make my wife happy
PG – Pretty Gross
TTC – Ta Ta Clap
DPO – Do P.en.is Often
BFP – Big F'in *Party
BFN – Big F'in Nuts
POAS – P.en.is On Another Sack
OPT – Optional
CD – Certificate of Deposit
BD – Baby Depot

Umm...yeah, he didn't get 1 correct. And he giggled a lot as he was writing. And he has a dirty mind. And now I know for sure that when I talk about IF and TTC all he hears is that voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown "whaa wah whaaa wahh wa wahh." But he does pay attention when I say anything about eggs b/c he knows what that means.
*He had another word, but I personally don't like the word he used.

Thoughts & a meme

We're having some walls in our house painted. It's weird having people around doing things that I'm not participating in. I've actually never experienced this before. Hubby and I are complete DIY freaks. Well, more like I converted him to the dark DIY side. We had fully intended to paint ourselves, but there was this horrible green with cactus & plant pictures wallpaper situation left by the previous owner. I tried to take it down. I got some off and Darbs removed the entire southwestern theme border. And then I just couldn't do anymore. So here we are. Wallpaper-less and getting painted. I chose these colors: kitchen--yellow, giant entertainment wall--orange and stairs and upstairs hall--torchlight (not peach, but peach mixed with brown tones). I grew up with white walls and I have never painted any of the apartments I lived in. But I'm loving having color walls!! What I'm not loving is their messy-ness and sloppy work. I'm a perfectionist. Granted. But this is just too much for me to handle. There is paint on the carpet and on the white trim. So not acceptable. They have plastic and drop cloth and tape--what's the problem?? How the f*ck am I suppose to get paint outta the carpet?

For the first time I've been tagged by 2 fellow bloggers: Carrie and Hopeful to Hateful

I am a nervous hair twirler and puller.
I am the mama of Pumpkin and Shelbie.
I am the wife of D.
I am someone who has tried to be an entrepreneur.
I am sometimes creative.
I am someone I often don't recognize.
I am depressed.
I am in therapy.
I am not a mother.
I am stuck in my own hell.
I am still hopeful, amazingly.
I am a Smallville fan.
I am a lie detector but a bad judge of character.
I am an observer of human behavior.
I am a Georgia O'Keeffe and Anne Geddes fan. Flowers and babies, what's better than that.
I am someone who gets "visits" in dreams.
I am a Martha Stewart fan.
I am someone that needs environment changes to feel inspired.
I am feeling a little inspired right now.
I am tired.

Happy Mother's Day

cd1. Couldn't she at least have waited until tomorrow?


PS--
Thank you to everyone that left kind comments and well wishes to my Shelbie. I'm so happy to say he's doing so much better and I think, for now, he's going to be ok. I'm a worrier. What can I say.

My poor baby

I'm a nervous wreck today. My baby had to go in for dental surgery this morning. He's an 8-year-old Yorkie. My Shelbie.

************************************************************

Yesterday, I couldn't even finish the above post. Tear meltdown. He came through the surgery fine. The doctor said she felt more comfortable taking him home with her overnight so she could watch him and give him pain injections if he needed them during the night. If I had brought him home, I would have had to give him pills for pain which don't work as quickly. The vet called me this morning to say he's doing great. He didn't want his food last night so they sat and had a bowl of soup together...lol She kept saying how cute he is and now I'm thinking she probably doesn't want to give him back :)

All I can say is that if any of you have a pet, please take care of their teeth. Shelbie has always had bad breath, and I had no idea that it was because of his teeth. He's always been a good eater and never seemed to be in pain because his teeth. The amount of guilt I feel over what my poor little baby had to go through yesterday is unbelievable. I feel terrible. And in the end it is my fault. I just hope and pray he recovers well and I will do my best to care for him.

Thoughts

Since I started blogging, I've noticed that I often think of something I want to blog about but when I get here I can't remember. I now try to write a little note to myself. Here are my notes:

RE waiting room. When you're in the waiting room don't you look around and want to talk to people? Find out what their story is and share yours? I never talk to anyone, but still, I do wonder.

New testing. I'm feeling a little uneasy now about going through with the HSG again. I was one of those lucky few that didn't have any pain with my first--so it's not that. I just really want to get to the answers. If the fibroids have returned and are getting bigger and causing the pre-AF spotting, why not just do the sonohysterogram to find out or even a vag ultrasound? The only thing I can thing of as a benefit to the HSG is that it sometimes increases chances of conception for a couple months.

Rachel Ray doesn't want kids. In the new issue of People magazine she says she doesn't think she has time for children. I'm the first one to say that not everyone is cut out to be a parent. I look at my father as the perfect example of this. Somehow though, I still wonder is there a sadness in the hearts of the purposely-childless? I suppose if you're extremely busy and your hours turn into years before you know it--you don't notice it so much. I can't ever remember having one single focus in my life. There have always been multiple things at any one time.

No guarantees. As I'm finding more and more IF blogs, I'm constantly reminded that there are no guarantees. Once you decide to move on to IUI/IVF, it doesn't mean at the end you're going to have a child. You may just find yourself in debt, childless and possibly divorced. I think about the business end of IF b/c the thing you hear most about is the expense. $20,000 is nothing to sneeze at. Hell, $6,500 (discount price at my clinic) is nothing to sneeze at. And then there's the meds and toll on a woman's body and the risks--possibly death although extremely rare. No guarantees.

Grandparents dream too. The other night it occurred to me that D and I are not the only ones suffering here. I never really thought about my mom and his parents wondering if they will ever have grandchildren. Of course they have asked and both sides are aware of "problems," but how does that make them feel? When my mom gets pictures of her friends grand kids and hears about yet another pregnancy--does her heart ache wondering when she'll be able to experience that joy? Does she wander down the baby isles at Target too imagining herself buying things to send me? Our child would be the first grandchild on both sides. IF affects not only us, but our parents too. That's a hard thought for me. You never want to be a disappointment.

That's it for randomness. This past weekend we had some people over and I held a 3-month-old. For about 60 seconds. I am seriously uncomfortable holding a baby that gets fussy. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I need to hand the kid back over immediately. I haven't been a mom so I don't know--but if your kid starts fussing, don't you immediately want to take over? I feel like the mom thinks I don't want to hold her baby and I worry that I offend her (has happened every time I've held him) but I just don't know what else to do. Maybe I'll get up and try walking with him next time. I dunno.

To all the sombody's I know

While visting blogs I found this little gem at Anla's blog:

Somebody Said......

Somebody said "Just adopt; you'll get pregnant." This somebody doesnt know how it feels to try to figure out where to get the money for an adoption.

Somebody said "If it is meant to be, it will happen." This somebody never cried walking past the diaper section at the grocery store. (I actually added this one to my email sig)

Somebody said "You've got more time to spend together--be thankful." This somebody never stayed up until two in the morning arguing about ovulation charts.

Somebody said "Just relax and it will happen." Somebody's docter never told them that after the age of 30, chances of becoming pregnant decrease significantly.

Somebody said "You shouldn’t complain about something that you can't control." This somebody never wondered whose eyes and hair color the baby would have and then never found out.

Somebody said " You have more time to get a better education now." Somebody doesn’t know what a short luteal phase is or what polycystic ovarian syndrome is or an irregular cycle or what male factor is.

Somebody said "You cant miss something you never had." This somebody doesn’t know what its like to cry him or herself to sleep in an empty nursery.

Somebody said "You should try reading some books; theres got to be something else you can try." This somebody never tried standing on her head or drinking cough syrup when you're not sick.

Somebody said "Take one of my kids, I dont need them all." This somebody never tried to adopt, only to have the birthmother change her mind.

Somebody said "I'd sell everything I owned to get kids if I had to." This somebody never had to.

Somebody said "The hardest part of not having kids is not getting the tax deduction." This somebody never started her period at a baby shower.

Somebody said "A career is more important than being a mother." This somebody never wanted to be a mom.

Somebody said "If you don’t have kids, you're not missing anything." This somebody never went through infertility.

Baby abandoned

Tonight on the news there was a report of a 7-month-old baby boy abandoned less than 10 miles from my house. Isn't that something. It just makes me ill and sad. Someone left the child at a firehouse and now police are looking for the parents. Looking for the parents that did not want or could not take care of this child. There is a safe haven law here in MD which states "any mother or responsible person can hand in an unharmed infant, three days old or younger through a safe haven location." Firehouses, police stations and hospitals all qualify as safe haven locations. Earlier this week there was a story about a beautiful little girl who was left in her car seat on the highway (speed limit 55). The car was seen going the wrong way and some Samaritan followed it as it crashed into a rail that surrounds a river. When my best friend was living in LA a woman approached her on the street and offered to sell her infant daughter for $20. It's all so unbelievable.

D and I talked about my appointment with the RE last night. Once he does another SA at the beginning of next month, we'll go from there. He says I seem rather numb. I think that's a good word for it. Everyday I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. I really wish I could hide it better. Especially from him. Who wants a wife that's depressed all the damn time. Enough already. Poor guy.

I'm trying to concentrate on home improvements. By the end of the summer some nice changes should have occurred. I'm really looking forward to the painting. It seems to be the new thing to have color walls--especially yellow. Which I love b/c it's my favorite.

Still crocheting. cd22...23

Back from the RE

The appointment went well. I like the doctor. She seems thorough and well versed in all things IF. Since I halted my treatment in 2005, I have to have some repeats--HSG & blood work. The biggest concern is the 2-6 days of brown spotting. Could be due to fibroids or thyroid issues. Ughhh. If something looks funny on the HSG, then I'll have a sonohysterogram. From there we will discuss the options based on D's new semen results. The one thing that left me kinda bummed was her saying that they rarely see improvements in morphology. Or rather see enough of an improvement that would make IUI as real possibility for us.

cd21.

And now the TWW

Now we wait. Yesterday started out funny. On Sunday I finished my last of 10 ovulation tests for the fertility monitor. This is my 2nd month using it and last month it required 20 tests. Sunday morning (side note: hearing Maroon 5 here) I get a peak on day 18. I forgot I had used my last test until Sunday night so I go to bed thinking that I gotta get up super early, hold my pee and run to the store to find more tests. I looked a mess charging into CVS at 7am. I got the last box, which was in the wrong spot, and I get home and run into the bathroom to turn the machine on and guess what--no stick today. I guess once you get a peak after the 1st month, it doesn't ask for anymore tests. Thanks. 50 bucks later...

Anyone see the transgender special on 20/20 last week? Wow. I really have to give praise to the parents featured in the special. Incredible courage and wonderful love for their children.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a new RE. I'm sorta excited. Not really. I have been in a fog. I think life has finally caught up with me. It's real. IF is real. Bills are real. Work is real. I have never felt my age and always looked younger, but been older spiritually, or soul-wise. My brain has caught up with my body finally. I feel like an adult and there's no going back. You remember how you felt when you 1st fell in love? That true innocence and excitement. And the second time, after you'd been hurt and experienced pain--you looked at love with a new set of eyes. Careful eyes. Sometimes jaded eyes. I've earned my jaded-life-glasses. Being an adult sucks.

I'm still crocheting and have become a little obsessed. I can't stop. My hand is killing me but still I won't stop. Hahaha. It's taken the place of my evening cocktails :) Probably a good thing.